In news that is sure to send waves of explosive defecation through production houses across the globe, a primetime comedy has failed to garner a single laugh. Details remain sketchy, however, early reports suggest that Channel 10’s “hit comedy series” skitHouse was met with silence last Thursday night despite the producer’s liberal use of Track 15 from Pet Sounds (of Audience Approval).
“We don’t know what went wrong,” series’ executive producer Craig Campbell moaned, obviously uncomfortable in his rubberized underwear. “Track 15 is a classic! It’s never failed! What else can we do? We turned up the volume; even tried Track 16! It’s as if you people are trying not to laugh!”
Beverley McGarvey, Channel 10’s Head of Programming, knows what’s going wrong: “The problem has always been the viewer,” she said in a statement released this morning from cubicle three of the executive toilets. “You can’t rely on them liking the same thing from one day to the next. I’ve been in the industry for thirty years, so obviously I know good television… there aren’t many viewers that can say that.”
10’s solution, she explains, comes in HD. “It’s simple: we sit the viewer down in front of a TV tuned to 10 and then put the remote out of their reach. It’s the digital revolution.” Of course, some people might still be able to find the controls on the set, and even be willing to get up to use them. “Which is why we’re focusing initially on geriatrics. They can’t even get up to relieve themselves, you think they wont just sit there and take it? This is the genius behind Ten Half Dead!”
Channel 9 is going one step further. For the premiere of their landmark “new comedy” Monster House, they’ve turned to the emergent Blu-Ray technology. “The flaw to Ten HD,” incoming Nine exec Michael Healy explains, “is the restriction to age. Now sure, we all prize the over-80s demographic. It’s pretty clear that most of our programming is targeted to their outmoded ideas of what’s acceptable or even funny, but it’s crazy to ignore the more able-bodied viewers. With this technology, as soon as anyone tries to change channel, a high-powered blue laser simply takes off their finger!” His personal assistant assured us later that Mr Healy’s propensity for miming laser-fire while screaming ‘zap!’ for much longer than can possibly be needed to illustrate his point is the result of a birth defect which rendered him anatomically brainless. “We’re confident that people will soon recognize the quality of our programming.” He eventually concluded.
Whichever technology proves successful, it seems Australian comedy will survive this current crisis thanks to our indomitable spirit of innovation, ensuring that the same quality product is unmissable for generations of obese, fingerless geriatrics to come.
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