Carry Grant is Rolling in his Grave

If the great Alfred Hitchcock were not so rotund he would probably be rolling in his grave. Vanity Fair, in their annual Hollywood Issue decided to recreate the auteur’s most iconic images, replacing his rolodex of Hollywood’s Golden Age with the current flings of the month (this month being the Oscars).

Whilst the ambitious project has some flavourful touches, for instance a chiselled Javier Bardem that makes one wish Jimmy Stewart’s character in Rear Window was Latino, as well as La Vie en Rose’s Marion Cotillard being Psycho stabbed in the shower (which is also happens to be a current flavour of the month), the recreation also destroys some classics: that's right, Seth Rogen’s beer-belly tripping over itself whilst being chased by a swooping bi-plane in North By Northwest.

Correction. Carry Grant is rolling in the grave.



See the whole Hitchcock recreation here.

Cotillard's French-American Conspiracies

If you have not seen Marion Cotillard’s galvanizing, Oscar-winning, back-wrenching performance (literally) as the French chanteuse Edith Piaf in La Vie En Rose, stop reading now and come back later.

For she has said some p-r-e-t-t-y ridiculous things of late after having swindled the Yanks by raping and pillaging Los Angeles (deservedly so) by co-authoring and co-conspiring the acquisition of the Academy Awards’ top four gongs for Europe. This recently indoctrinated darling of the Hollywood elite puts Matt Damon’s idiotic composure to shame.

She is quoted as saying – God knows why – on the topic of the 2001 September 11 attacks:

"I think we're lied to about a number of things… We see other towers of the same kind being hit by planes. Are they burned? They was [sic] a tower, I believe it was in Spain, which burnt for 24 hours. It never collapsed. None of these towers collapsed. And there [in New York], in a few minutes, the whole thing collapsed."

Questioned as to why the government may have wanted to destroy the towers and manifest an elaborate cover-up:

"It was a money-sucker because they were finished, it seems to me, by 1973, and to re-cable all that, to bring up-to-date all the technology and everything, it was a lot more expensive, that work, than destroying them."

O...K.… Where to start? First of all, congratulations for making Matt Damon not look like the biggest retard in Hollywood for the first time since Good Will Hunting. And points for originality on the real-estate angle. Look. Conspiracies are fine. I mean, I have my own.

For instance, I don’t believe that Keira Knightley is remotely English. She has San Fernando written all over her. The Valley Girl got her accent from re-runs of Thomas the Tank Engine and that black English butler from The Fresh Prince... But the thing is, I don’t tell the Poms that. They would have my head and put it on display at the London School of Economics with that Jeremy Bentham fellow. By the way, how does one go about acquiring a black English butler?

Ms. Cotillard could have stopped after that kick in America’s metaphorical nuts, however she went further, adding:

"Did a man really walk on the Moon? I saw plenty of documentaries on it, and I really wondered. And in any case I don't believe all they tell me, that's for sure."

Shhhhh. I’m doing this for you. I like you as an actor. You’re tops! I love French women. Truly. However, this morning three of your North American representatives, who are probably Jewish, just fired themselves after reading your insipid bullshit.

And all this, especially considering that Cotillard comes from a country where Holocaust denial is punishable by restrictions on your yearly intake of wine and truffles. Mais non! But I must feed my children.

Seriously, it’s like Michael Moore winning the Palme d’Or at Cannes and then telling Le Monde: “you’re all fat, ugly and stubbly, just like me - just like America. Muahahahaha. Now give me some money and truffles bitches méchantes!”

Admittedly, the comments were made last year before she received the award she probably didn’t think she’d get for being French anyway. The interview was recorded in French for the program Paris Premiere - Paris Derniere and so her words were not intended for American ears or eyes. Besides, who makes money translating French into American?

We can only hope that this doesn’t taint her acting career, particularly in her upcoming role as the lover to Johnny Depp’s gangster in Michael Mann’s Public Enemies. Wait. She’s crossing the Atlantic and playing an American! My recommendation is consult Keira Knightley on this. She’s much experience in the transatlantic category.

NOT English!

Jack of All Trades Gives Clinton An Elderly Nod

Jack Nicholson is probably that much more qualified than his fellow thespians to endorse a Presidential nominee. After all, he did play one in Tim Burton's Mars Attacks! and... almost save us from impending doom.

And so in this latest endorsement-cum parody of the faux-politik of Hollywoodland, Jackie goes against the fur and bats for Hillary.



In fact, during his five decade tenure amongst the ranks of Hollywood royalty, Jack has charmed and spoiled us with an iron-fist full of politically charged undertakings. Certainly no one can say that inexperience is his downfall.

For example:

He proffered US-Chinese economic relations in The Departed by selling military hardware to Guangdong merchants. As the Joker he provided welfare benefits to the good people of Gotham City, as well as put on a parade worthy of an Academy Achievement in Art Direction.


In the touching About Schmidt he tackled the issue of America's aging and depressing population and courageously represented a nation's innermost fear of fat people in swimsuits. His exemplary work in A Few Good Men outlined procedures to be followed in Abu Ghraib and Guantanamo. Jack bravely tackled the corruption that lay behind the LA County's debilitating water mismanagement in Chinatown, as well as cop one in the nose.



And as every "honest" politician, Jack has even openly discussed his '60s experimentation with marijuana and stint in jail in Easy Rider.



Add to this that he tore down a haunted house in the Colorado Rockies (The Shining), reformed the authoritarian treatment of mental patients (One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest) and made the world safe once more for old quirky arrogant men - who really outta get checked out - everywhere (As Good As It Gets).

Jack you have my nod!